As a parent, I am sure you can relate to the experience of shifting your priorities. Once we brought our first child home from the hospital, caring for her meant putting a lot of things –everything -- to the side. After all, this baby completely depended on me!
When she woke up, I was there to change her. When she cried, I was there to feed her. When her skin peeled, I was on the phone with the pediatrician. And when she was sleep, I was doing laundry, cooking, eating, or showering. But the problem was, I never turned off. I couldn’t sleep from the thought of her needing me. And the more I didn't want to admit it, I was anxious with to my mind racing through thoughts of what could possibly go wrong.
So, the all too common phrase that every experienced parent would tell me, “make sure you sleep when the baby sleeps,” definitely was not happening with me. Not the least bit. And after 2 or 3 months of sleeping no more than 2 or 3 hours in a day (interrupted hours), I experienced extreme burnout.
The lack of sleep caused my body to begin shutting down.
My body ached everywhere.
My thoughts were completely unorganized.
I was a mess at the office.
My projects were a blur.
And from a combination of things (breastfeeding depleted my body of key nutrients, the lack of sleep not allowing my body to replenish, and the nuances of returning to work after rearing a child, of course, caused stress), I got a really bad infection.
I realized I was doing a lot of this to myself. Although my husband was there for me, I was reluctant to express how much I needed his help. I was a newlywed and still learning my communication style within our very new marriage. We were both beaming with the joy of our new baby girl, yet I was holding in feelings of how uneven it felt; how much more my life had to change because of it.
I reached out to one of my closest friends for some advice. After all, she and her husband seem to be breezing along after 17 or so years. When I shared my thoughts with her, she encouraged me to have an honest conversation with my husband. I took her advice, but I wasn’t looking forward to it since this would be our first ‘hard’ conversation as a married couple (at least so I thought).
I convinced my husband to go on a walk with me one Saturday morning. We had a relative in town helping care for our baby. On the walk, I opened up to him. I shared my thoughts, my frustrations, and my struggle with not being able to sleep. By the look on his face, he wasn’t aware of most of it. He willingly volunteered to do more around the house but seemed a little disappointed I hadn’t spoken to him about it earlier. I felt a little silly but very relieved.
Seriously though, why hadn’t I said anything sooner? I assume some of it may be due to a people-pleasing nature, some to the desire to appear ‘strong’, and still some to past relationships that were ridiculously lopsided.
So to the ‘people-pleaser’ in me - It didn’t please me to suffer quietly more than I had to nor did it please my husband to hear that I wasn’t sharing my experience with him.
Then to my ‘desire to appear strong’ - Being a woman IS inherently strong. There is no need to prove that to anyone, especially after having a baby (duh).
And to my ‘past lopsided relationships’ - Well, the keyword is 'past'. I left them there in the past for a reason. My husband takes his job as a husband (and now as a father) seriously…and he is pretty damn good at it, too.
From that point on, I made sure I expressed my needs. There was no reason to cut my showers down to 5 minutes or less. There was no reason I shouldn’t be able to get out for a walk or jog 3 times a week. And there was nothing wrong with me telling him to get up out of bed to take care of our daughter while I take a nap. I owed it to myself.
Always remember to prioritize yourself into the list.
Take care of YOU.
Love YOU.
Be kind to YOU.
